Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

   The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

   Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt

   “Can I get a umm...” -every person ever at the drive thru

   I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

   I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."

   Need your help Friends.... I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment!

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called d Secret 7.we swore to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other 6 were.

   [robbing a bank] accomplice: nice pantyhose me: thanks accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

   Just find out there’s no popcorn on popcorn shrimp. Guess there is no reason to try Pot Roast ‬

   I walked into a bar in another neighborhood the other day and I noticed that everyone there was wearing a tool belt. Then I found out they were all roofers. I’d stumbled into a shingles bar.

   Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

   The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona virus and should not be quarantined any longer. WHO let the dogs out

   Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

   California has been shut down for bussiness

   I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the bank.

   The World Health Organization has reported that dogs cannot transmit COVID-19 Virus and should be released from quarantine immediately. In other words, WHO let the dogs out.

   Keep your eyes on the road and don't get worried when you see someone naked on a front porch. It's probably just a healthcare working coming home after their shift.

   Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.

   Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day. Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day. Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.