Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tips To Gain My Friendship: 1) Have a cat. 2) Show me photos of your cat. 3) Invite me over to pet your cat. 4) Be a cat. 5) Cat.

   I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

   Pokemon Go - Showing how easy it is to get sheep to follow.

   My wife just put the kids to bed, now it's time to play Pokemom....

   At least we Americans can feel better today knowing Canada's national animal is a rodent.

   Often wonder if ax murderers hide in the woods or live in regular houses. Anyway, have fun camping this weekend.

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP red necks.

   Well ... Judging by this Chalk Line around me ... I must have slept really good last night!

   Part of Scott Baio's speech was plagiarized from the episode of Charles In Charge where Nicole Eggert ran for class president.

   TV psychic Ms Cleo had died from cancer, probably never saw it coming.

   It's not the heat. It's the humidity......and the morons.

   It's OK Adobe Flash, I'm always outdated too.

   Truly having the 'heart of a child' will lead you to a toothless life of homelessness.

   You enter through the gates of hell, and it’s just Steven Seagal standing there asking you which one of his movies you want to watch first.

   DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

   Just accidentally kicked myself in the balls trying to get comfortable on the couch in case you're looking for a life coach.

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   Drove past a rehab center this morning. I couldn't stop laughing at the sign out front: "Stay Off the Grass".

   Immediately recognized a porn star wearing a hat and no makeup at the gym today for anyone wondering if I've had sex this year.