Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......

   LeBron James opted out of his contract but he re-signed for another 8 years of attention whoring.

   Heck ... Getting into the DNC computers was easy enough for hackers .... Just think how easy it was for them to get into Hillary’s Private/Government server full of National Classified secrets and information that wasn’t even protected by a password

   If you want help moving I can only assume you're not an adult. Adults hire movers.

   I can't believe Rudy Giuliani forgot about 9/11 considering it's also his credit card pin.

   Gonna write something about All Lives Matter but I suddenly saw Jared Fogle trending again.

   Mexican: "Hey, lets make Mexico Great Again" Other Mexican: "What do you mean 'Again'? ese"

   Staying focused is very challenging when there's so much porn on the Internet.

   No Marijuana: Day 7 -More stamina. -Increased libido. -Decrease in mood swings. -Improved mental clarity. -I haven't slept. -3 people are dead.

   The next time you think your job sucks image how the camera crew that follows around the Kardashians 24/7 must feel.

   A George Harrison memorial tree was killed by actual beetles. No word yet on if Davy Jones memorial was attacked by monkeys.

   The vending machine gave me an extra bag of Skittles today, hope my Dad loves his Father's Day gift.

   Frito Lay should roll out a new cinnamon sugar version of Cheetos called Sweetos, they will also help you acquire Diabetos.

   My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.

   Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.

   BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.

   Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.

   Facebook didn't tell me it's your birthday is an awesome 21st century excuse.

   They should totally turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.