Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

   I have decided to host the Oscars

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds