Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.

   heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

   I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

   My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

   The pinata is a great way for Mexicans to teach their kids to beat something till they get what they want.

   Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid? Because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.

   If Hillary is indicted and charged with a Felony after she won the election ... Would she then be considered under "White House Arrest?"

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really.......

   To any of my single Lady friends, if your wish to have me naked for Christmas, private message me. Thanks.

   Yet another celebrity death in 2016. RIP Mariah Carey's career!

   Eating pork chops with mohammad

   Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

   I’m glad we have such strict illegal drug laws, otherwise people would be using and over doing on them

   If you don't vaccinate your kids they'll grow up to be Vegan CrossFitters with a gluten allergy.