Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your relationship is so complicated that you have to identify it as such on Facebook, you should probably get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

   met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...

   sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.

   Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   My son asked me what's it like being married. I said "You know how you have to eat your vegetables to get dessert? Like that".

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.

   I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.