Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
why is it that whenever there's two women in a profile pic the hot one is always someone else..? 
Funny new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.
Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days
No matter how many times I watch Titanic I'm 100% sure that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.
I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.
Dear Heart {♥} , Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it...
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don't look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.
organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.
The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?
If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see the Jersey Shore cast crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.
How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?
My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..
God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm out of vodka.
I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.
Bad decisions make good stories 