Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.

   Well it turns out, the answer wasn't at the bottom of the bottle, I guess I'll have to check in the other 23...

   With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?

   One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...

   Valentine's Day: Reminding unhappy single people that they're unhappy & single since the 19th century.

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   When a Woman tells you "you're so cute" instead of "You're Hot," it means you are Not all that and you can just get entry to Friend zone

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.

   Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends

   I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone

   You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.

   A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.

   Just found on youtube the deleted scene from Sound of Music where the kids keep sneaking back downstairs to the party after being sent to bed