Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.

   My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

   At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.

   Asked to switch seats on the Plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, thats not allowed if the baby is yours.

   Former 3rd world countries are perfect for hipsters. So many abandoned buildings to turn into cafes.

   Never seen a pair of high heels hanging over a telephone wire. Always sneakers. Someone get on that.

   The last time I had sex was when Tom Selleck was in a good movie.

   I don’t wish there were more hours in the day, but I could use a few more at night.

   I don't really care about your opinion of me, but I met a dog earlier that didn't like me and it's still messing with me....

   Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it.

   Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?

   A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.

   *Slices up lemons right in front of life*

   Cargo pants for babies?!?! You know, it's a place to put all the important stuff that babies carry with them.

   A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment: 3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon, 57 minutes of crying after it pops.

   Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.