Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.

   The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.

   I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.

   What do Beer producers bother with an expiration date. Who are we kidding?