Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.

   The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.

   When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.

   Facebook needs a "I'll Drink To That" button.

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.

   Even to this day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.