Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"

   I saw a totally hot MILF spank her child today at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground....!!!

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   come on folks.... bring on the funnies

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   United Airlines... You Might get to fly and it shows.

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?