Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

   If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined

   Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

   Dear Netflix, Thanks for all the great movies but can you please stop adding one's about pandemics as I'm fully capable of turning on the news. Thanks!

   Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with? Me – An elevator repairman.

   Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

   If we are being honest, we all have dated a man/woman that we would feed to a tiger.

   The 11th Commandment:...Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor

   Then: Teenage girls kept a private diary and got upset if anyone read it. Now: They reveal everything on Facebook and get upset if no one reads it.

   People who confuse the word "burro" with "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   I googled my symptoms into Web Md. Turns out I have Gary Busey .

   Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.

   The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

   Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.