Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!

   Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

   I thought I liked movies but it turns out I just like eating candy in dark rooms where no one can talk to me

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.

   My neighbors kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.