Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.

   Can we just move on from Netflix and chill? What happened to picking up girls on their front porch with flowers for an actual date?!?!

   Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   Just when I thought I'd never get the chance to hear a Presidential candidate say "schlong"..

   Who needs help moving to Canada because Trump won, call me. . .

   They've never overturned the initial electoral vote. It's never been changed. Never. Like Michael Moore's underwear.

   My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain.

   I think 2016 will be known Historically as "The Year That Everyone Was Offended by Absolutely Everything." .... Well .... Hopefully we can look forward to 2017 as being known as "The Year That Everyone Grows Up!"

   At this very moment, Mexicans are building ladders.

   Never mix Viagra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose