Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   thinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday.

   thinks that now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.

   nodding off at the computer. I think I've been here too long. Just one more website and then I'll check my facebook page again. Oh yeah, I gotta make sure I got that email. After that, I'll go to bed.

   A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

   It's now OFFICIAL!!! Facebook has become the weather channel.... Yes I know its nice outside...but thank you for the updates every other min!

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   is gonna go to a psychiatrists office, sit in the waiting room and just stare at people..

   You need gray hair and hemorrhoids to be a consultant. The gray hair makes you look distinguished & the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

   Let's get rid of Valentines Day and replace it with a second Halloween.

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.