Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.

   Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   First Principle of good customer service: shut up and concentrate on your work.

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   What do you mean I have to tie up my robe?.. This is a cape.

   it bad that "wine" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?

   You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...

   Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you know you have boobs, go get checked. You too ladies.

   If I pass you my phone to see a photo and you scroll through my other pics, they'll never find your body.

   To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

   I have seen your ex so don't act like I am not an upgrade.

   Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned!

   Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.

   Who cares what color the dress is so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.

   Heard a guy use the word 'bae' on the radio today and had to talk myself out of steering into oncoming traffic.

   You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...

   Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets. Fu*k me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.

   You know you are a sidechick when he got you saved under a dude's name in his phone.

   I don't know which changes more often, facebook or a womens personality?