Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

   Wonder if young Sheldon was attracted to little boys at that age?

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   I once tried snorting some coke. And I almost drowned my self.

   Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.

   If Missouri and Oregon became one state. It be known as the show me your beaver state.

   The body of a man was found in Pizza Hut this morning, covered in cheese, tomatoes, onions and peperami Police are working on the theory that he may have topped himself!!

   75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

   Two blondes were going to disneyland. When they came to a fork in the road . The sign read "disneyland left" so they went back home.

   4 out of 3 people struggle with math

   Now that Barry Manilow has announced his gender preference, his songs take on a whole new meaning.

   I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

   "Hermit crab" describes me twice.

   Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

   Parole board: Are you ready to return to society? OJ: I'm ready to take a stab at it.

   The Mrs is visiting her mother this weekend, so the dog and I are smoking cigars and playing poker. In our underware!!!!!

   Can someone please invent a screen protector for smartphones that doesn't peel up on the corners? Thank you.

   Working in a crematorium is a sure-fire way to urn a living.