Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

   Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."

   Someone should open a Gym in just the month of January and call it "resolutions"

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe

   Winter storm named Grayson sounds like it should be wearing a tweed jacket

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth

   Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.

   Take it to the next level. Fire and Fury audiobook narrated by Hillary Clinton.

   There sure were a lot of lesbian nuns in the 70s.

   Two F-words rednecks can't stand: Fire & Fury.

   FOX & Friends? Who in their right mind would want to be friends with FOX? It's a lie, FOX has no friends.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them.

   It's sad when the best looking girl from Texas happens to be Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants.

   What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless? 2nd place in a presidential election.

   Lindsay Lohan bitten by snake while on vacation in Thailand. After hours of rolling around in unspeakable agony the snake finally died.

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi

   Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

   So according to CNN and Sky News, 2017 was the 2nd wettest year on record. Personally I blame "Fifty Shades of Grey"