Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.

   If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.

   I put my pants on just like anyone else; unwillingly.

   I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!

   Strike fear into your bowling opponents by drinking three Red Bulls and trying to shove a bowling pin up your butt.

   In 2018 we not correcting typos, figure out what we yryig to say.

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   If I dumped a can of green beans on the ground, I'm pretty sure my kid would eat every one of them...

   When my time comes, I’m going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.