Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone said we're a garage band. I replied, "Dad, you know very well that we rehearse in the carport."

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

   Short, bald, overweight man with missing teeth and no money, tired of being ignored by women, seeks a lady who is not superficial, materialistic or judgmental. Must be hot.

   Everyone needs a friend who they shouldn't be allowed to sit next to at a serious function.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   I had a dream I was at work. I woke up and called in because I ain't working twice.

   I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of change at me. Like yes, I know you have more money than I do, no need to brag about it.

   The three stages of life: Wanting stuff... Accumulating stuff... Getting rid of stuff.

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   Girlfriend is a slut

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   The police chief found Waldo dead in his apartment from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. Maybe instead of us asking "Where's Waldo?", we all should have been asking "How's Waldo?"

   Please pray for my wife. Nothing is wrong with her. She's just married to me, and I am a lot.

   And yet again this morning No one was standing Next to my bed Saying Your Royal Highness here is your coffee.

   McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   My ex just texted me, "Wish you were here". She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

   I dont like my eyes, they show me things I dont want to see.

   If life hands you lemons, go find a kid with a papercut and make his life miserable.

   I'm excited to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list. I have the bucket.