Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!

   the entrepreneur in me thinks I should be selling rocks in the streets of Iran.

   wondering what people in China call their good dishes?????

   wonders if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   has his popularity validated by the best organizations.... Even the Police consider me a person of interest!

   have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

   thinking God must love stupid people...he made so many!

   Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

   someone needs to tell PETA that the White House is a "NO FLY ZONE".

   thought john and kate plus eight was a porno.

   Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

   going to wear underwear on the outside of his clothes tomorrow to see if people assume he's crazy, or a superhero.

   Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an idiot

   When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a maniac.

   you`ll notice after reading this notice, that this notice isn`t worth noticing

   wonders why, if vegetarian food tastes so good, do they keep eating Turkey-flavored this, Sausage-like that, and Meat-like Balls Marinara?

   No trees were harmed in the posting of this Facebook status, but several million electrons were mildly inconvenienced.

   thinking if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   figured out a way to turn my dishwasher into a snow remover. I handed my wife a shovel