Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt?....You're wondering now!!

   tonights "Built Ford Tough" Player of the Game

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

   Tell me now before I blow twenty bucks on drinks.

   re-naming his remote "G-Spot". Why you ask? 'Cause he can never find it.

   it's Monday and the time to procrastinate is NOW!

   remembers the first time he had sex – he kept the receipt.

   didn't attend the funeral, but she sent a nice letter saying she approved of it.

   I wanted to write something about DJ AM but some people said it was too early, so i'm gonna wait 'till noon.

   real friends stab you in the front.

   if someone at your church tells you that you have a servant's heart......you're about to start stackin' chairs.

   thinks you should always follow your dreams.........well, except maybe not the one when I'm wondering around naked at work.

   ..muscles needed to make your face frown when someone is a moron to you-42. Muscles needed to extend arm and slap said person-4. You do the math...

   thinks Dennis Leary said it best...."Ted Kennedy, great Senator, but a bad date!"

   Welcome to Utah - Set your watch back 20 years.

   Once you have seen a woman naked... You pretty much want to see the rest of then naked.

   here, reminding all of you, obey gravity, it's the law.

   if I had to comment your status with "What happened?" and you reply "I don't even want to talk about it...", do you think maybe you should have kept it to yourself?