Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking if your relationship Status says "It's complicated". Stop kidding yourself and change it to Single!

   almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank god the walmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing

   If candy was named after a High School social group like "Nerds," than would they come out with candy named "Hoes" and "Jocks?"

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   Dear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   the police is looking for a suspect describes as sexy, beautiful, intelligent, funny & great in bed. You're safe, but where the hell will I hide??

   at the polics station. The police caught me & filed a case against me "possession of good looks". I'm doomed! Need someone ugly to bail me out.. so hurry up!!

   what's the closest thing to a womans period? Your salary! It comes once a month, lasts about 4-5 days anf if it doesn't come... it means you're screwed!!

   why are women known as sex objects? Everytime you want to have sex, they object!!

   received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

   woke up with post-it note where one of his toes should have been. It said "Gone to market"....

   *The world is confused,if the love is blind, hw can it happen at 1st sight??

   She realised I had lied about my "restaurant experience" when she saw her ceiling was dripping with balsamic vinaigrette.

   At the bottom of that bottle of chardonnay were words I always had the good sense to say

   Knows the world will look up and shout “Save us!”… And he'll whisper “No.”

   ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.

   All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.