Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey can anyone tell me what rhymes with "homicidal tendencies" thanks...

   My mate is having a birthday soon. He doesn't drink,smoke or cheat on his girlfriend. I dont know how the hell we're going to celebrate it!

   may not be the prettiest flower in the garden, but at least i'm loved by some amazing people

   approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security".

   Thinks i'm going to answer the phone at work all day today saying ''Hello, this is Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color"?

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!"

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   thinks people who say they don't swear haven't had the right sex or food.

   The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI

   I used to call my ex wife 'Treasure.' It wasnt because she was precious to me. It was because everybody kept asking where I dug her up from.

   I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to.

   the best things in life...involve rum!

   thinks you should get compensated for every popcorn kernel that doesn't pop in every bag of popcorn

   dreamed he ate a 10lb marshmellow, when I woke up the pillow was gone!!! WTF

   Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

   at 8:45 pm , facebook had an EPIC FAIL

   proven the myth that a bird will always crap on a freshly washed car... Now, where'd I put that bb gun?

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.