Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i named my two goldfish 1 and 2, because if 1 died I still had 2

   After much prayer and months of careful thought, I have decided the next season, season 25 will be the last season of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

   thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.

   Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.

   A box of kittens is more scary then the vampires of Twilight.

   remembers when Vampires were Scary, not Sexy...

   It does'nt matter how hot she is,,, there is someone else out there who is sick of her $h!t

   It dont get no better, it just get different

   just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.

   Warning for all you weekend basketball league playing guys: Be leary of the guy who smacks you on the butt and says "Nice shot, man!" when you didn't even take a shot...

   will listen, if you'll talk about me...

   yesterday I said I was gonna FML...i did....but I forgot protection...now i'm screwed

   notices that its been so windy of late that even the water in his toilet was choppy!

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.