Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that you should embrace your problems. And then make them somebody elses.

   wishes I was 12 again. so I could commit crimes without the oppression of the Law.

   Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

   would love to own a maternity store. He would call it "Come Inside"

   Tim Tebow just signed a 36 million dollar life long contract with kleenex!

   likes to discuss his newest disgusting rash in crowded elevators

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   got an error on his Windows PC: "Keyboard not found! Press any key to continue"

   putting the lotion on its skin, before it gets the hose again.

   chose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   Surely you cant be serious! ---- Oh but I am....And dont call me Shirley

   singing and dancing around her room in her undies.

   Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

   can ride a bike with no handlebars

   You can never plan the future by the past.

   wouldn't join any club that would accept him as a member.

   has just realized there's a website that you can search for all the sex offenders that live within 50 km of your postal code, check it out!! www.plentyoffish.com

   swears I would loose my head if it wasn't attached to my body!

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.