Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and Alcohol ended their relationship.

   It only takes me ONE beer to get drunk: Not sure if it's the 8th or 9th one tho.

   says Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back!

   Why does a good Christian fear death and why do we mourn the dead, if they are going to a much better place?

   After all these years It finally hit me why Prison/Jail is called "The Pokey"

   "Little Women" author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119 years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.

   pondering the the thought... They say Character is what you do when youre alone! I thought that was called masterba......nevermind!!!

   ......Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

   Dear Sally, selling seashells on the seashore is bad salesmanship. You can just pick them up off the ground behind you.

   bases off how many people like his status to his happiness on facebook.

   Restraining orders: Just another way to say I LOVE YOUUU...

   headed down to Jared Jeweler to get my homegirl a "special designer" ankle bracelet for her while doing her house arrest. Then I'm going to Macy's to pick her up a designer womens black/white pin strip sweater. Make her feel as if she still in the can.

   When I grow up, I want to become a corrupt senator, who's single vote is worth billions in concessions for his home state. Congress--the only place in America where extortion is legal

   the best things in life are free *does not include shipping & handling*

   playing strip russian roulette! Both fun and exciting at the same time!

   EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards

   DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE

   When faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person and she'll figure out an easier way to accomplish it.

   The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken  is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its  face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters ‘Well I guess that answers t

   Just because you're corny in real life, doesn't mean you have to be corny on faceboook... It's your second chance!