Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   supporting Tiger Wood's habits by buying the last of his discontinued Gatorade.

   workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.

   Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly . . . on a broomstick. We're flexible that way.

   Good girls go to heaven , Bad girls go everywhere!

   the best times to have a breakup...christmas, valentines and her birthday

   has been invited to go out tonight, but I'm a little scared...if a girl spends more then $200.00 on me...should I let her go past 2nd base???

   you know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her.

   doesn't believe in superstitions....it's bad luck!!

   Televangelist Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French in the Haitian Revolution. Pat, please. You don't need a pact with the devil to bead the French.

   I Dont Even Tell Myself What To Do! So What Gives You The Right Too!!

   Facebook: the only book teens read these days.

   the cost of living has gone up and the cost of making a living is really up.

   Did a book report on facebook and passed.

   In the scale of 1 to Kanye West, how interruptive are you?

   loves automatic doors. It makes him feel like a Jedi.

   My ex girlfriend auditioned for American idol. She said if she got through, she would be on "Cloud 9". I told her she was more suited for "Destrict 9"

   I measure the wealth of my day by asking myself did I add more friends today over friends who have deleted me on Facebook

   Many years ago,Ozzy Osbourne asked me how he could get publicity to help his music career. I told him he needed a bright red hat. He thought I said "bite the head off a bat". And the rest,of course is history.