Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

   Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work

   The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house

   In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the peace and quiet.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button

   Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enoug

   Constipated People Don't Give A crap

   Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

   Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering

   Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga STILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, p!nk looked like a slutty nun who wet herself, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fo

   42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot

   Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

   Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told she looked cool.

   You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on

   Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.

   You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

   "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."