Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not an alcoholic, just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?

   Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

   First they say that the Constitution guarantees privacy and then they send your Report card to your parents.

   To the assclown who was driving the Prius in front of me earlier: The interstate DOES NOT HAVE a left turn lane. Not sure why it took you 23 miles to figure this out....

   wonders if anybody else has a thought that they take the time to type out sometimes...then wonder if it's too crazy to actually say...and erase it?

   The excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device.

   I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.

   You cry I cry your happy I am happy you laugh I laugh you jump off a bridge I laugh even harder

   gonna dress as a fish for next Halloween and wear a sign that reads, "have worm will swallow"

   wonders if she's the only one who gets nervous when she sees a Toyota in her rearview

   just saw peanut walk into a police station to make a complaint claiming it was a salted.

   it's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   if The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.

   she's got an A$$ that will make a grown man do the dishes!

   glad to see Obama giving Bush some recognition. He named the faultline under Haiti, "Bush's Fault."

   I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

   just heard that they took the gold away from lindsey vonn! they gave it to obama instead since hes gone downhill faster than anyone else!Use

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.

   sorry that he cheated on his wife, hopes you believe in him again, and wishes these bruises from the 9-iron up his a$$ would heal already!