Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.

   Relationships are like farts... If you push too hard, things could get messy!

   There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.

   Party every day that begins with the letter T. Tuesday and Thursday? Nah, TODAY and TOMMOROW! :)

   wondering if Jewish Rabbi get paid for circumcision or do they just keep the tips???

   Today, I was told I was being too patronising which means I was treating them like they were stupid.

   ...when two's company, three's the result...

   ...says there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   Definition of mixed emotions: seeing your mother-in-law go over a cliff in your brand new Porsche.

   wants to pull over a police car, flash a badge & say "Fu**" Y*U for once.

   joining Hokey Pokey Annonymous.....to turn myself around.

   If people criticise or hurt or shout at you, dont bother. Just remember that in every game audience make the noise, not the players

   thinks if Senator Jim Bunning wants to make a point to US, reduce the pensions, Soc.Sec. and lifelong health benefits for politicians!!

   will be forever indebted to the person who creates a vaccine for stupidity.

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   today will mostly be dry with a few wet patches but enough about my trousers

   FASTEST means of Communication : 1) Phone 2) TV 3) Internet 4) Tell A Woman (For even FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE)

   why can't Twitter just die already?

   When people nickname their child "Boo Boo" is that their way of saying their child was an accident?

   thinks that marriage should be like football; you must show up fully committed and prepared and score every opportunity you get!