Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just found an excellent heroin dealer! His name is Al Vishniac and his address is 987 E. 7th st, Apt. 4-A.

   we know its women's day today so ladies will you stop flooding facebook with ur stupid updates and liking other women updates.. its not your birthday

   YOUR interest in your own kids: 100% Everybody else's interest in YOUR kids: 0.3%

   it seems like facebook and apple have something in common...apple has the slogan there's an app for that...facebook should have a slogan that says there's a fan page for that.

   Facebook is the epitome of six degrees of separation.

   loves eating big meals. I especially love a 7 course meal, of which my best is a cheese burger and a six pack of beer.....

   Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.

   Miley Cyrus awarding best original song at the Oscars...Irony defined?

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Unfortunetley for me, mirrors dont talk. Lucky for you, they dont laugh either.

   born with two helpings of brains but only half a helping of heart

   put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??

   I understand you got your swag on, but could you walk a lil faster...?

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

   But what was he doing the first one who subscribed to Facebook?

   as anxious as a biker in front of a Toyota

   didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

   wondering why when the best actors are chosen by actors it is called the Oscars, but when the best actors are chosen by regular people it is called an election.

   i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!