Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whew... stocks drop 900 points..... wish it were like a married woman and rarely went down

   Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don't!

   It took me many years to lose my mind. Why the hell would I want a piece of yours?

   Friday...the dirty librarian of the days of the week...she starts out all respectable but by 11 o'clock you know some crazy sh#ts going down...

   OUCH! Why does a papercut always have to feel like a gunshot wound!?!

   On this rediculously windy day I have decided to reinforce my toupee with extra strength polly grip

   getting a tattoo on my forhead of the word "Idiot", because it seems that everyone that I come across already thinks that I am. So I have decided to just put it out there for them so they don't waste anymore time in trying to figure it out.

   if meat is murder, I will have my murder medium rare done please...

   been used and has a lot of miles, but is in great condition...she's a classic ;)

   had it rough growing up. We was so poor, even our rainbows were black and white...

   "The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." -- George Washington

   Taser? If that guy had been a Rangers fan the Texas cops would have shot him dead.

   GUMP 2010: Shrimp is the fruit of the Gulf. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabob in oil, shrimp creole in oil, shrimp gumbo in oil, pan fried in oil, deep fried in oil, stir-fried in oil. There's pineapple shrimp in oil, lemon shrimp in oil, thats about it.

   Liquor and Poker... Oh, Wait.. you wanted to drink and play cards... well now. Everybody knows where my mind was at."

   I think I just gave her a mamogram

   life is now back on track... unfortunately for me that track is downhill... and there's me with no steering or brakes...

   Sure it's flattering and weird at the same time, but you need to stop thinking of me when you masturbate...

   Seis De Mayo, Spanish for, Hungover...

   just got barred from Home Depot, some idiot in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, lucky I got the first punch in!!!!

   Bacon is best served with a side of bacon