Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   Grilled by the media contantly in recent weeks, authorities have stated that they had been following failed "Times Square Bomber" Faisal Shahzad for months, but only on Twitter.

   Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep, it was an open casket funeral.

   Former President Bush suggested invading the "Gulf of Mexico" to control the BP oil spill. He also proposed forming a mercenary force made up of BP executives and oil rig operators called "The Coalition of the Spillin'

   BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Kills Al-Qaeda's Number 3 for Nine Thousandth Time

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town

   ever sat in the parking lot at walmart and honk at random people and watch their reaction? hahaha

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.

   hey you..............yes you....................stop staring at my status you perv

   While asking for support over the oil spill, I had a interview with a mermaid and she shouted "Obama doesn't like sea creatures!"... awkward silence

   The rest of the world loves soccer. Surely we must be missing something. Uh, isn't that what the Russians told us about communism? Soccer blows.

   looking forward to July 12th... England 4?5?6? - USA 0

   can't believe he's not butter!

   doesn't want to brag or make anybody jealous . . . but she can still fit into the earrings she wore in high school!!

   BREAKING NEWS: BP Tries Adding Balsamic Vinegar to Oil

   “Whoever said Money can't buy happiness, They just didn't know where to go Shopping.”

   "Weebonics"- The adorable chatter of a toddler.

   Ok so everyone was bustin' Bush for hurricane Katrina in new orleans .... now where the hell is obama when we're having the biggest natural disaster in history .... its been 6 weeks, wtf is he doin besides watching the playoffs