Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   If you got haters . They means you are doing something right . World series

   I'm at the World Series game and they showed Trump on the big screen. All I could hear was boos and "lock him up" chants, lol

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.

   To the person who corrected my grammar online, I killed you’re whole family

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   Clitoris. They even made a whole movie about it - Finding Nimo

   I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...

   You cant be a Nurse 4 Halloween n have STD's, pick something else, like a Prescription!!

   If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.

   I hire the best people! No one can accidentally butt-dial reporters like my people do!

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   Impeachment is not only constitutional, but also golden.

   When I first started growing a beard I didn't really like it but after some time it started to grow on me.

   I think Cinderella purposely left her shoe at the castle just like Side Chicks always seem to be leaving their panties.