Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying you started that fire, Billy Joel; I'm just saying that innocent people don't write songs to defend themselves.

   : I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

   If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

   This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says 'buy something'.

   Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

   I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"

   Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.

   McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything

   INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference

   Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

   Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.

   a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

   Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.

   Customer: "Sir, could you take a look at my car; it's making terrible noises." Mechanic: "Have you tried shutting off the Christian music?"

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.