Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   Once again the Aflac duck balloon will be at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And if you think that’s weird, wait till you see the balloon for that old guy from the Cialis commercials.

   The Toronto Zoo is planning to split up a pair of gay penguins. You know how they're going to split them up? By giving the penguins just one ticket to see “Mamma Mia.”

   At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

   : I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned. True story.

   I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

   My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

   Cowboy: This town ain't big enough for the both of us ME: I'll be staying indoors almost all the time Cowboy: ok cool

   *At the checkout Cashier: How many croissants? M: Four *Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face. M: Um six

   When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses. That’s me in a nutshell.

   Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

   Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

   Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

   Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!

   Whelp, I'm not even out the door yet and I could already tell it's going to be another one of those days I'm not going to change the world and make it a better place for all mankind to live with my Facebook post.

   It’s Fashion Week in Pakistan. Turns out for the 800th year in a row, burqas are in.

   Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

   if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing

   Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

   If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold