Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.

   If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.

   When they heard about his visit to the hospital, hell immediately started to construct a wall.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   Funny how when I was a kid we use to call Facebook group therapy.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science....

   "No thanks. Not this time. Nah, I'm good. I had that done last time. No thanks. No. I'll have my mechanic check that. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. Next time. No thanks. No thanks. No thanks. I just want the oil change."

   Louisiana has turned blue. Congrats!

   I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.

   I know his chest pain was not cause by his heart, because he doesn't have one

   I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle... ..it became herby.

   Darn it's cold outside!.....which I just thought I'd post for those of you who haven't been outside lately.

   Before Facebook Instagram and all these social networks we have today, when I was a kid if we went around and showed all our friends our Selfies they would think that we were really committed, or should be.

   Ok, I'm a Boomer. But not a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup with cubed white meat chicken casserole Boomer.

   I'm having a terrible day. There's a suppository behind my ear and I can't find my pencil.

   My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.