Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama says... It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence.

   When I get rich the first thing I'm going to do is to buy a new butt, because the one I have now has a crack in it.

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   So gingivitis isn't the fear of redheads?

   All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...

   Like Superman, I have a Fortress of Solitude. But mine flushes.

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...

   throwing the new MySpace Profile out with the trash where it belongs :)

   Boy says to girl; "have you ever had a Australian kiss?" Girl says; "whats that?" Boy says; "it's like a french kiss, but down undaa."

   dressed up feeling like a million bucks but I wish I wasn't so broke...

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   Motorola is coming out with a new droid phone called the Kobe... conversely, they are also coming out with the Lebron phone too, except the only difference is it doesn't RING.

   planning to suprise the IRS next year by filing his 2010 Tax Return by sending a singing telegram.

   Motorola is coming out with a new droid phone called the Kobe... conversely, they are always coming out with the Lebron phone too, except the only difference is it doesn't RING.

   I read where the main Ingredient of Viagra was Miracle Grow and Fit-A-Flat....

   sends you this warning: If you don't know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings --> Planetary Settings --> Trajectory then UN-CLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse.'

   Sometimes, I just want to copy someone else's status word for word just to see if they would notice..

   He who has a 'why' to live can bear with almost any 'how'

   How come TSA always "randomly" searches my luggage, but I can't randomly hit the lotto