Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've just been fired from my job working on the Pakistani Flood's Crisis Hotline. Apparently telling callers to relax and "go with the flow" was not appropriate.

   Wife called, she said, "2 packages arrived today. The 1st was your PS3 and the 2nd is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be f*cking lucky, I only ordered 1 controller.

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...

   Ok, it's official...I spend way too much time on facebook. I just caught myself giving my boss a thumbs up because I liked something He said.. God help me!

   I avoid "online dating sites" because they match you up with people who share your interests and I don't want to go out with a weirdo.

   Forgetting an email attachment is the 21st century's version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

   Please pray 4 me. Had a checkup & I tested positive 4 being The S#it! I'm allergic 2 all haters. Side effects may cause me 2 slap a bit**!!

   I'm going to name my dog Curiosity and see what my cat loving friends think about that.

   I was just hit by a Prius. It felt like I walked into a tree.

   Somedays it is just so hard being so much better than most people.

   If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

   I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

   in case of a fire do not use the elevator use water

   They say money doesn't buy happiness.....I am guessing you're shopping at the wrong store...

   Mr. Officer would you like Coffee & doughnuts with my license & registration sir???

   I cant take this sh*t anymore!!! .....so I flushed the toilet and walked out :)

   How do I set my Lazer Printer to Stun?

   Mow let me get this straight ------------~ Damn!! So close!!!

   I "HOPE" we can "CHANGE" it back!

   The 33 miners trapped deep underground have apparently been given the bad news that it will take 3 months to dig them out of deep hole... I wish our government would tell us when we could expect being dug out of "Our Hole"