Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants to go back in time and give the person just about to invent the "high five" a high five, then sit back and watch the universe implode

   I almost got to go skiing....but my husband got mad when he saw me spraying WD-40 on the bottom of his skis...

   my New Year's Resolution is to travel back in time and stop Jersey Shore from EVER being made.

   French couple claims to have found 271 unknown Picassos. Suspiciously, one of them is "Still Life with McRib."

   US Military is experimenting with robots. Part of new program, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Rise Up and Kill Us."

   Am I the only one thats addicted to air?

   We can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.

   'cyber' Monday is awesome I got like 3 dates lined up....also I think there was a sale online

   I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

   A new study says humans are psychic, and I'm living proof of it. For example, I can clearly foresee a future where this study is debunked.

   Car dealerships greatly over-estimate the allure of tents.

   I'm thinking about buying an invisible box that they trap mimes in.

   I never did use my illusion. Is it too late?

   I hate when people put words in my mouth.. with the possible exceptions of “waffle” or “sandwich.”

   If I joined Earth, Wind & Fire, I think the element I'd want to be is Surprise.

   In retrospect, everything is foreshadowing.

   I wanted to buy a keepsake to remind me of the great food this Thanksgiving, but I think this new chin will suffice.

   These E*Trade babies probably annoy everyone in the bar when they play Golden Tee.

   I had to use my AK this afternoon.. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.

   a proud member of the 97% who won't copy & paste chain status updates.