Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎400 lbs of salt and two snow blowers for sale, thanks weathermen! Excuse me while I Go sledding through my grass.

   The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

   Hey, hey! Now, don't you tell me you don't remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you.

   Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them.

   Why does anyone ever bother to say "don't look"? Because we all know what happens next...

   Just finished some great games of racquetball. What a great way to relieve stress and lower your blood pressure, almost as good as ...................... but not quite!

   u better think twice before coming out of your hole mr. hog

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   I tried to join the X Men, but they turned me down. Apparently they don't consider being able to burp out the theme song from Family guy to be a real superpower

   what a beautiful day, I think i'll work on the permanent indent on my couch..

   i always wondered why gay men look so young and healthy... then I realized they dont have to deal with women

   Headline: "Police watch for sex trafficking ahead of Super Bowl." I guess the Steelers have finally arrived in Dallas.

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd buy you. And I'd get a good deal because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted.

   Israel changes its relationship status with Egypt on FB to "it's complicated". Lebanon, Syria & Palestine 'like' this

   at my age it's not my cereal, but my body that goes SNAP, CRACKLE and POP!

   Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision. -Dwight Schrute.

   I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther. -Dwight Schrute

   How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

   having an anti-valentines day party

   hows Lamar Odom the 3rd best Laker and he got the 3rd best Kardashian??