Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the perfect man, if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

   I wonder if the hats, which were made in China, are infected with the coronavirus?

   What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1

   I don't watch Faux News for the same reason I don't eat out of the toilet.

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.

   If you're feeling the Bern it might be the clap. Better get it checked.

   I hate when I request a song on the radio then realize I pronounced the artist's name wrong because the artists parents didn't know how to spell it.

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   I am not setting a bad example...I am the perfect example of what not to do!

   What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf.

   My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   what do you call it when a cow is sitting down? ... ground beef

   Don't forget that Saturday, February 29th is Leap Day just in case Daylight Saving Time didn't throw you off enough.