Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're gonna blast music through your headphones so everyone can hear, do the rest of us a favor and ask for requests

   So Valentines day is approaching...I got a new smokin hot outfit and I managed to secure the best table Monday night at Waffle House on Oneal....that's right...I'm gonna get some FO SHO!!

   When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.

   Be Yourself, Because you never know who would love the person you hide

   Lindsay Lohan...on the next Dog the Bounty Hunter?

   Justin Bieber the only daughter that Mr. & Mrs. Bieber have?

   I have seen the future, and the future is mustache rides.

   Did you know 25% of car accidents in canada involve a moose.I say we don't let them drive

   did some cross- dressing this morning , I said wheres my f**king socks

   went to the head office of the RSPCA its so tiny you couldn,t swing a cat in there

   You know what makes my blood boil - crematoriums

   Wolfgang Dabisch invented Tippex - correct me if I'm wrong

   being colourblind doesn't stop me enjoying life. the other night I saw joseph and his amazing brown coat . it was great .

   has got a damaged glass front door . Hey don't knock it

   tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Broke both of my legs

   Dear Alcohol... Will you be my valentine? ♥

   I'm developing a hand sanitizer that only kills the 00.01% of germs that the others can't kill. I'm going to make a fortune! : )

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......

   My GPS keeps sending me through sketchy neighborhoods, but I go along, ‘cause I don't want my GPS to think I'm racist.

   If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.