Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s too much 3-D going on in theaters today. I miss 2-D. And come to think of it, I also miss Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”

   Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

   [robbing a bank] accomplice: nice pantyhose me: thanks accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

   If there's enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

   Windows installed an entire continent on my computer. When it finished, it told me "Europe to date."

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper.. no more zip up boots for me.

   A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing

   I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   I didn't tie the knot until I was in my thirties... To this day, I still struggle with shoelaces!

   I'm not giving up anything in particular for Lent. I'm just giving up...

   And in other news, Joe Biden claims that 150 million people have died from gun violence in the U.S. since 2007. I suppose that might explain the low unemployment numbers right now.

   A mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I'm just tired of seeing people's packages."

   The Number 1 reason that prospective applicants are rejected from the show "The Bachelor" is herpes. Apparently, you can't get on the show if you don't have it.

   A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.

   Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."

   Date: I should go… Me: (struggling to climb out of McDonald’s ball pit) Are you sure?

   When you wake up without a tag on your toe, consider it a great way to start the day!

   I blame Obama for the 1900 point drop in the Dow Jones, even though he has nothing to do with it.

   Whoever thinks money doesn`t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.