Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that KFC has dropped the phrase "Finger licking good" maybe Doritos could use it.

   If love truly is blind, she probably can't tell the difference between a gold necklace and a chain of paperclips, right?

   Brutally honest: The two reasons I would like a girlfriend are 1) consistant sex and 2) not having to find a date to functions such at weddings, couples nights, New Years Eve, etc...

   Just lost my job at the funeral, I guess I'm just not a mourning person

   Mondays are middle finger approved

   Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed

   Since it's Presidents Day. I would like to honor President John Adams who travelled time and fought Robotic Dinosaurs in the year of our lord 2033.

   wondering why women can't remember to put the toilet seat up after they are finished?

   honoring Presidents Day, by enjoying some BUSH !

   Happy President's Day! Time to remember all the great leaders this country has had, and how we've disgraced them by putting Obama in office!!

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. The least you can do is act like it.

   1 in 5 relationships now start online. The other 4 will end online.

   Someone told me I was immature. Well guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore?

   hears that Charlie Sheen is giving Lynsay Lohan advice....Hey Charlie...People who live is glass houses usually have pretty cool stuff to snort Coke on!

   I recently started to grow a beard, and I gotta tell ya... I feel way cooler already

   fruit of the day: kumquat.

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.

   NASCAR - Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks

   If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.