Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Over 50 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

   If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands.

   You must first feel comfortable in someone else's skin before you can feel comfortable in your own. --Psycho Therapy

   I've just been voted the most secretive person in the world... I can't tell you what it means to me.

   I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked.. but that’s rare.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   I've been trying out the rum diet this week, I've lost 2 days already.

   Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

   I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

   Great... I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn't work Now I have a spider that won't stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

   Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN me: hi Danny Devito: well hello there

   cant fool us you swamp rat below, go vote for Bernie and let the rest of intelligent people post

   Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

   One time I ran into an old friend and she said "omg you haven't met my baby" and I said "omg I had went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a damn cat.

   When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

   "Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP

   I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.