Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”

   Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.

   I see NASA is planning a mission to find water on the moon and maybe I'll go someday if they find enough to make a decent cup of coffee with.

   Did you hear the joke about the cure for COVID19? It's a riot.

   At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

   Sept 11th, I’m wearing a shirt that says “All Buildings Matter”

   How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica

   Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered

   95% of my news feed is now agenda driven. The other 5% is: "There's a bed and a chair in a room. If someone enters the room, how many pancakes each did the seat cushion and the mattress eat?

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd