Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just remember, while you're lying to, disrespecting and making your girl cry, there's a man out there waiting to hold her, dry her tears and treat her right...

   SWEPT the room with a glance...That's my idea of housework!

   I hate when I'm sitting on bleachers and Half my nutsack falls asleep!WTF

   Mini skirts don't work on maxi butts.

   Starting next summer, I will be offering FREE GRASS CLIPPINGS to anyone who wants them. Great for compost or mulch, available weekly. You cut, you rake.

   Every trip to Wal-Mart results in me seeing an equal number of people I THOUGHT were dead and I WISH were dead.

   enjoys long, romantic walks to my fridge!

   Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.

   Love means never having to say anything because you're both looking at your smart phones.

   Ladies: If your boyfriend is bathing more than once a week...he may be cheating on you!

   The most patriotic thing I've done this year is not watch American Idol.

   You can get away with a lot more in a song than you can get away with on a mic in front of the House of Representatives.

   Your beauty is so rare, no one can find it.

   Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes.

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   How do male civil unions not end with the phrase "I dude"?

   I love Pandas, they`re so chill. They`re like "Dude, racism is stupid. I`m White, Black, and Asian..."

   That moment when you get a sweet text & you just sit there smiling at your screen like a weirdo.

   You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo?

   whats long and black?........the unemployment line!